Oprah's Full Power Realized

Well, this week the world has seen just exactly how much power the Antichrist has, what she is capable of. This week has proven beyond a shadow of a doubt the level of influence she has over our nation. We've known this was coming for some time. We've seen the TV endorsements. But I'll confess that it still came as a shock:

Oprah on 30 Rock

More Evidence Looms: Oprah = Satan

As if there weren’t enough evidence showing that Oprah wants us all desperately to follow her to Hell, she boldly published a list of “The Top 20 Things Oprah Knows For Sure” in her online magazine this month. Not only is her confidence suspect, but her second entry—second!—is “You define your own life. Don't let other people write your script.” Funny, Oprah, I thought Jesus defined my life. I thought the Bible was my script. And as if that weren’t enough, she goes on to place “When people show you who they are, believe them the first time” at number four. We all know that Jesus, our Lord, said, "Take heed that no man lead you astray. For many shall come in my name, saying, I am the Christ; and shall lead many astray" (Matthew 24:4,5). If we have it Oprah’s way, we’ll all be welcoming Satan into our hearts the first time he appears to us, no questions asked. Well not this girl, Oprah! Not this time.

It is our duty to Jesus, our only Lord and savior, to question these ridiculous Oprah-isms lest we wind up as one of the damned http://www.officialdamned.com/. I have faith that we can unite and fight this demon!

Open House!

We're pleased to announce that OprahTruth Ministries will be hosting its annual cookout and book burning this Friday, September 26. We'll be serving up our famous deep-fried ham balls with cheesy ranch dipping sauce and "partying down" to a local DC Talk cover band. This event will be held at our secret headquarters in Florida--the Lord will provide the faithful with directions.

Attention Blasphemous Readers

I will have all readers know that OprahTruth Ministries will not be undermined by IGNORANT people who leave comments ANONYMOUSLY on our blog in attempts to sabotage our mission.  Rather than disable the anonymous commenting feature, we will hit you head on.

Deborah writes:

DEAR MS. WINFREY,

I WAS GLADENED TO HEAR OF YOUR RECOVERY FROM THE LIFE THREATENING CONDITION YOU SUFFERED LAST WEEK. IT WAS WONDERFUL WHEN DR. OZ WAS ABLE TO CURE YOU OF YOUR THYROID PROBLEMS, BUT NOW THAT YOU HAVE THE SECRET YOU CAN WILL YOURSELF BACK TO HEALTH ON YOUR OWN. WHY WON'T THE MEDICAL ESTABLISHMENT RECOGNIZE THE POWER OF THE SECRET?

I WILL PRAY FOR YOUR SPEEDY RETURN TO THE TV SO YOU CAN TELL ME WHAT BOOK TO READ NEXT.

YOUR IN CHRIST,
DEBORAH

Dear Deborah,

First of all, don't think for a second that we cannot see through your sarcasm.  If you wish to be satirical, you should really learn to be more subtle and serious to gain credibility.  Next, learn to spell "gladdened" and don't be so careless as to forget the "s" at the end of "yours" in your smug salutation.  But it's interesting you choose the so very clever name of "Dr. Oz" because, just like the fictional wizard, once you take Oprah's Satan-granted power away, she is nothing but a sniveling coward behind a curtain.  If she only had a heart.

So please, Deborah, your oh so clever wittiness does not intimidate us.  However, your references to prayer and Christ are deeply offensive, and you have henceforth been added to the OprahTruth ministries prayer chain.

Is Oprah Dead?

You can imagine our surprise at reading the numerous messages circulating the web today, all proclaiming that Oprah Winfrey is dead. So is it true? Sadly, it's a hoax.

We're not sure what kind of twisted soul would start a fictional blog about Oprah just to fool people--perhaps this rumor was even created by her own minions, in the hopes that OprahTruth Ministries would let down its guard. But be assured, the Antichrist still walks among us.

And now for some reader responses:

Anonymous writes:
Dear sir,
I demand that you remove this garbage immediately! It is not funny! Oprah was a kind and spiritual woman who helped many unfortunate poeple both in America and abroad. Why do you feel the need to tarnish her memory with these lies? Do you have no concern for the feelings of those still greiving Oprah's passing? Have you considered how Gail or Stedman would feel if they came across these hateful words? You need to go on Dr. Phil and let him help you because you are obviously sick and perverted! Do the right thing and shut down this abomination!

Dear madam,
No, there is nothing funny about our work here. We are engaging in spiritual warfare of the highest order. And while we have no way of knowing how Oprah's minions would feel about it, we hope that they might realize the error of their ways. As for Dr. Phil, I don't know why so many people go to that fat man for dieting advice, but the only explanation I can think of is that Satanic forces are at work there.

Anonymous writes:
HOW DARE U WRITE THESE HORIBLE THINGS ABOUT OPRAH SO SOON AFTER SHE PASSED AWAY? DONT U HAVE ANY RESPECT FOR HER FAMILY AND LOVED ONES AND FOR THEIR LOSS? WHY MUST U SPEAK ILL OF THE DEAD? THIS IS SICKENING ME!!!!! U SHOULD BE A SHAMED!

No, U should be ashamed, for following the Antichrist and for ignoring your English teachers. Thanks for reading!

In closing, don't believe everything you read on the internet. Always get your information from a reliable source.

The Prostitute

In this bizarre back and forthing, it appears that Oprah has now said that she would "love to have her (Sarah Palin) on her show after the election." This public display of affection enforces my theory that Oprah's true agenda is not to support the candidate she believes in, but to get her Satanic claws into all possible rulers of this country so that she can influence them once in office. (It would have been great for her if Mitt Romney had been nominated.) But here at OprahTruth Ministries, we believe that Sarah Palin may be more than just a misguided lipstick-wearing pitbull (another similarity to Oprah) - she may be the prostitute.

It is written:

Then the angel said to me, "The waters you saw, where the prostitute sits, are peoples, multitudes, nations and languages. The beast and the ten horns you saw will hate the prostitute. They will bring her to ruin and leave her naked; they will eat her flesh and burn her with fire.

Friends, it could be argued that Sarah Palin has simply slipped under the spell of the beast, that her spiritual defenses have failed her in her effort to befriend Oprah, and now Oprah has responded with this invitation of her own. But while you are lounging around in your PJs drinking coffee, watching General Hospital, and reading Yahoo OMG! waiting for Oprah to appear on your TV to bestow feel-good womanly wisdom, you must understand the darkness underneath.

Forget about voting for Sarah.  We must start a campaign to save her. And her five beautiful children.

Hold the Phone!

We may have been too hasty in printing up those 10,000 "OprahTruth for Palin" T-shirts we ordered two weeks ago, in light of this breaking news from Townhall.com:

Sarah Palin welcomes Oprah to Alaska
Posted by GeorgeBruno on Monday, September 15, 2008 10:49:10 PM
Says Sarah Palin:
"...Alaska would welcome Oprah up here. She'd love it. The fresh clean air, the invigorating atmosphere. We'd love to have Oprah come up for a stay..."


We here at OprahTruth ministries have no idea what to make of this. What kind of Godly woman would invite the Antichrist into her home? Unless she plans to kill and field dress Oprah (which our lawyers inform us we cannot openly endorse, even using euphemisms, code words, or Pig Latin), we must withdraw our support for McCain/Palin.

Why Should the Devil Have All the Good Satire?

Well, friends, this whole Anti-Spore hoax has really thrown us for a loop. Not only do these people mock our faith, they gloat about those of us who actually believed they were on the side of truth.

So now we're looking hard at some of our favorite sites, to make sure we're not being taken in again. The main giveaway as to whether something is satire or not seems to be that they either take things to an extreme or present things that clearly contradict their supposed "message." Landover Baptist, for example appears at first glance to be an ordinary church website (and in fact we've been sending them donations for years), but upon closer inspection, we have noticed that their gift shop sells T-shirts that say "Witch" and "Infidel." Who would even wear such a thing? And we're going to have to stop forwarding our cousins this so-called "news item" from The Onion about the dangers of Harry Potter. Although everything they say is spot-on in our opinion, it turns out they mean it "ironically." The sick minds behind Jack Chick tracts are particularly sneaky. It's a somewhat clever parody, if you don't read carefully, but do they really expect us to believe that this nonsense is for real? Nice try, Jack (if that is your real name!).

There are still a few sources we can trust, though, like Objective: Ministries and the righteous Fred Phelps. But we've also been wondering, to paraphrase Larry Norman, why should the devil have all the good satire? We've decided to fight back with a joke blog of our own:

Atheism is Awesome!

We think it'll wipe some smug grins off some faces. Enjoy!

Correction

We here at OprahTruth Ministries are saddened to discover that AntiSpore.com is in fact not a righteous weapon for truth, but what they call "satire":

Anti-Spore Website Was a Hoax

I don't know what kind of person thinks that making fun of True Believers is amusing, but beware! Galations 6:7 Be not deceived; God is not mocked: for whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap. We know what happens to those who mock God.

EA Spreads the Message of the Beast

First of all, let's give an amen to our sister in Christ at AntiSpore.com, for bravely critiquing the secular world's latest attempt at brainwashing young minds (in the face of death threats from Satan himself).

EA Games has recently come out with Spore, video game that asks the blasphemous question, "How will you create the universe?" and encourages players to guide creatures through "five stages of evolution." Just listen to this poor confused girl as she falls for their anti-Creationist propaganda (at least they have the decency to note its unsuitability for children):



You may ask, why is it important if some people choose to believe in evolution? Don't some Christians even believe in it? Isn't it possible that evolution just describes how God created the universe? Maybe those six days aren't literal days.

Well, that's exactly what Oprah wants you to think. Why? Because once we stop taking one part of the Bible literally, what's to stop us from writing off the whole thing? Maybe Balaam's talking donkey is just a metaphor, too. Or Elisha and the bears. And that whole, "Thou shalt not kill" thing? Just a suggestion.

Just look at this description of an incident on Oprah's show, courtesy of our friends at Answers in Genesis:

Oprah Winfrey, TV talk show hostess, asked her audience why homosexuals should not be allowed to marry one another. One man said something to the effect that 'it wasn't natural'. A woman then rose and gave her lengthy opinion which boiled down to: 'I just don't think it's right!' Most people, however, gave comments like, 'If they want to, what difference does it make?' or, 'Who's to say that it's wrong?'

Then Oprah came to one man who said (à la Ken Ham), 'If God had wanted man to marry man, He would have created Adam and Steve, not Adam and Eve!' Most people in the audience booed, and Oprah responded incredulously, 'You don't believe that do you?' The man, apparently intimidated, shrugged his shoulders and never carried his reasoning any further. In doing so he missed a great opportunity to promote the creation message on national television.

Actually, the thought underlying this man's statement is the only legitimate reason why homosexual practices are wrong. When there is any question concerning morality, one needs to see who declared something to be wrong in the first place. In effect, this Bible-believer was claiming that the absolute authority on homosexuality was the Bible — in this particular case Genesis. The reasoning goes: If God laid down the rule, then that settles the argument once and for all. But if man made the rule, then man has the prerogative to change it.

Once we stop believing in the Bible as the literal word of God, Oprah--and the Steves of the world--take over!

Questions / Comments from Our Readers

Re: "Oprah: In League with Osama?" Anonymous writes--

"Jesus likes winners"?What does that mean?Isn't he supposed to LOVE (not just like) everyone?And what does Capitalism have to do with God, at all? You rednecks do not even try anymore; you use the bible and Jesus to shamelessly push your political agenda and don't even try to disguise it. Jesus is NOT a member of the National Republican Committee, he was not and is not into politics and if anything, he was a socialist, not a bigot from the American south.

Dear Anonymous,

I'm sorry, but I believe you misunderstood--that's "winners," not "whiners." And while I can see how Our Lord's crazy long hair and sandals might confuse you, He was most certainly not a socialist. Take, for example, Matthew 26:11, in which the disciples complain about the woman of Bethany spending money on precious ointment to pour on Christ's head when the money for it could have been given to the poor. Jesus says, "For ye have the poor always with you; but me ye have not always." In other words, "Forget the poor--I need something for my split ends!" Does that sound like a pinko to you?

Re: "Oprah: In League with Osama?" fuckyouamerica writes--

It saddens me that America is so full of ignorant cunts like all of you. Open your damn eyes, respect others' beliefs. Oh well, your own nation to fuck up. Please continue killing each other, do us all a favour.

Dear fuckyouamerica,

I like your gumption. In today's PC world, too many folks treat violence like a bad thing, as if it were sex or something. But the Bible teaches us that killing can be a glorious thing. As I like to tell the kids, "Stabby-ness is next to Godliness."


Re: "Don't Even Get Us Started on Anagrams!" Anonymous writes--

um..hi..you know the bible you're into? that was originally written in aramaic (early version of hebrew) then hebrew..THEN greek..then latin..then english.

aramaic and herbrew are both read right to left.

Dear Anonymous,

I don't know what kind of propaganda the public schools have fed you, but the only true Bible is the King James Bible, written in English, God's favorite language.

Re: "The Big Lie" Anonymous writes--

So you base your entire position that Oprah is the Antichrist on the sole argument that she is sucessful and makes a lot of money?That's all you have?Why aren't the Google guys the antichrist?They have WAY MORE MONEY than Oprah, and they made it in a fraction of the time; and way more people use google all over the world than any Oprah product(I love google by the way). Why isn't Donald Trump the AC?Because he is a republican?. It is so obvious that you are a typical redneck from the American South who hates any succesful black person, you don't even bother to hide it.


Dear Anonymous,

I'm not sure where everyone gets this idea that we're from the American South. OprahTruth Ministries is based in Florida, not the South. And we are by no means resentful of successful people of color--in fact, we have many black friends.


Re: "The Big Lie" the Owl writes--

STAY OFF THE CRACK PIPE PEOPLE!

Dear Owl,

Yes, that's wonderful advice. Drugs are destroying our society. Thanks for reading!

Re: "Spare Us, Oprah!" jess_hors writes--

hello, you are all complete fuckheads and are just afraid because it is a strong, black woman who is successful and has influence.

Why don't you fucking take some action on that PRESIDENT of yours who is KILLING your nation each and every day?

YOu people disgust me


Dear jess_whores,

You want to talk about disgust? We have just been alerted to the fact that a man in Great Britain is actually advocating the eating of human babies. That's right--tiny little babies. I'd say that's a lot more shocking than the actions of our nation's President, wouldn't you?

Don't Be Miracle-Whipped!

Second Thessalonians 2:8-10 KJV. And then shall that Wicked be revealed, whom the Lord shall consume with the spirit of his mouth, and shall destroy with the brightness of his coming: Even him, whose coming is after the working of Satan with all power and signs and lying wonders, And with all deceivableness of unrighteousness in them that perish; because they received not the love of the truth, that they might be saved.

Hello, faithful friends--

First, our apologies for the long silence. Since last November, we have been engaging in spiritual warfare, putting on the Full Armor of God to battle the forces of Satan. It's been a harrowing ordeal, but we are stronger for it.

Our struggle began at the OprahTruth Ministries barbecue fundraiser, an annual event held each year. This past year, we raised over $34 to go towards cable lockboxes for underprivileged families, so that they can shield their children from Oprah's Big Give. Unfortunately, we also overindulged in spicy-honey-teriyaki-Cap'n Crunch-glazed ribs. It is not our place to question, but we do sometimes wonder why our Lord had to make the pig so tasty.

Soon it was Thanksgiving, bringing with it deep-fried turkey, deep-fried cranberry sauce, and deep-fried Twinkies (or as we call them in our family, Patriot Pies). And of course Christmas, when we celebrate the birth of the King of the Jews with country ham. To make a long story short, by January we found ourselves carrying around cans of Crisco to aid us in getting through doorways. And that is when we found ourselves being lured by the promises of the Evil One:



Our Father, in His wisdom, sometimes allows his followers to be tempted. Even Christ was taunted by Satan as he fasted in the desert for forty days. Our experience was not unlike His, only our Lord still could have looked good in a bathing suit in the midst of His trials. As Oprah's minions paraded around, waving their dsicarded Lane Bryant pantsuits aloft, we found ourselves asking, "Should we maybe buy a copy of The Best Life Diet?"

That's the power of the Antichrist, who tries to sway us with false miracles. But don't be fooled--she is a liar! ("Thyroid problem," my fanny.)

I'm proud to say that we remained strong. We resisted her ploy and instead lost our demon flab through the Gideon Diet. What's that, you ask? It's simple:

Breakfast: One Gideon Bible, toasted. Diet Coke.

Lunch: Gideon Bible sandwich. Diet Coke.

Dinner: Gideon New Testament on a bed of rice. Caffeine-free Diet Coke.

Dr. Phil may not endorse it, but it'll satisfy your spiritual hunger while helping you drop those pounds. For it is written: ...Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that proceedeth out of the mouth of God. Matthew 4:4 KJV

Hallelujah!