Why Should the Devil Have All the Good Satire?

Well, friends, this whole Anti-Spore hoax has really thrown us for a loop. Not only do these people mock our faith, they gloat about those of us who actually believed they were on the side of truth.

So now we're looking hard at some of our favorite sites, to make sure we're not being taken in again. The main giveaway as to whether something is satire or not seems to be that they either take things to an extreme or present things that clearly contradict their supposed "message." Landover Baptist, for example appears at first glance to be an ordinary church website (and in fact we've been sending them donations for years), but upon closer inspection, we have noticed that their gift shop sells T-shirts that say "Witch" and "Infidel." Who would even wear such a thing? And we're going to have to stop forwarding our cousins this so-called "news item" from The Onion about the dangers of Harry Potter. Although everything they say is spot-on in our opinion, it turns out they mean it "ironically." The sick minds behind Jack Chick tracts are particularly sneaky. It's a somewhat clever parody, if you don't read carefully, but do they really expect us to believe that this nonsense is for real? Nice try, Jack (if that is your real name!).

There are still a few sources we can trust, though, like Objective: Ministries and the righteous Fred Phelps. But we've also been wondering, to paraphrase Larry Norman, why should the devil have all the good satire? We've decided to fight back with a joke blog of our own:

Atheism is Awesome!

We think it'll wipe some smug grins off some faces. Enjoy!

Correction

We here at OprahTruth Ministries are saddened to discover that AntiSpore.com is in fact not a righteous weapon for truth, but what they call "satire":

Anti-Spore Website Was a Hoax

I don't know what kind of person thinks that making fun of True Believers is amusing, but beware! Galations 6:7 Be not deceived; God is not mocked: for whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap. We know what happens to those who mock God.

EA Spreads the Message of the Beast

First of all, let's give an amen to our sister in Christ at AntiSpore.com, for bravely critiquing the secular world's latest attempt at brainwashing young minds (in the face of death threats from Satan himself).

EA Games has recently come out with Spore, video game that asks the blasphemous question, "How will you create the universe?" and encourages players to guide creatures through "five stages of evolution." Just listen to this poor confused girl as she falls for their anti-Creationist propaganda (at least they have the decency to note its unsuitability for children):



You may ask, why is it important if some people choose to believe in evolution? Don't some Christians even believe in it? Isn't it possible that evolution just describes how God created the universe? Maybe those six days aren't literal days.

Well, that's exactly what Oprah wants you to think. Why? Because once we stop taking one part of the Bible literally, what's to stop us from writing off the whole thing? Maybe Balaam's talking donkey is just a metaphor, too. Or Elisha and the bears. And that whole, "Thou shalt not kill" thing? Just a suggestion.

Just look at this description of an incident on Oprah's show, courtesy of our friends at Answers in Genesis:

Oprah Winfrey, TV talk show hostess, asked her audience why homosexuals should not be allowed to marry one another. One man said something to the effect that 'it wasn't natural'. A woman then rose and gave her lengthy opinion which boiled down to: 'I just don't think it's right!' Most people, however, gave comments like, 'If they want to, what difference does it make?' or, 'Who's to say that it's wrong?'

Then Oprah came to one man who said (à la Ken Ham), 'If God had wanted man to marry man, He would have created Adam and Steve, not Adam and Eve!' Most people in the audience booed, and Oprah responded incredulously, 'You don't believe that do you?' The man, apparently intimidated, shrugged his shoulders and never carried his reasoning any further. In doing so he missed a great opportunity to promote the creation message on national television.

Actually, the thought underlying this man's statement is the only legitimate reason why homosexual practices are wrong. When there is any question concerning morality, one needs to see who declared something to be wrong in the first place. In effect, this Bible-believer was claiming that the absolute authority on homosexuality was the Bible — in this particular case Genesis. The reasoning goes: If God laid down the rule, then that settles the argument once and for all. But if man made the rule, then man has the prerogative to change it.

Once we stop believing in the Bible as the literal word of God, Oprah--and the Steves of the world--take over!

Questions / Comments from Our Readers

Re: "Oprah: In League with Osama?" Anonymous writes--

"Jesus likes winners"?What does that mean?Isn't he supposed to LOVE (not just like) everyone?And what does Capitalism have to do with God, at all? You rednecks do not even try anymore; you use the bible and Jesus to shamelessly push your political agenda and don't even try to disguise it. Jesus is NOT a member of the National Republican Committee, he was not and is not into politics and if anything, he was a socialist, not a bigot from the American south.

Dear Anonymous,

I'm sorry, but I believe you misunderstood--that's "winners," not "whiners." And while I can see how Our Lord's crazy long hair and sandals might confuse you, He was most certainly not a socialist. Take, for example, Matthew 26:11, in which the disciples complain about the woman of Bethany spending money on precious ointment to pour on Christ's head when the money for it could have been given to the poor. Jesus says, "For ye have the poor always with you; but me ye have not always." In other words, "Forget the poor--I need something for my split ends!" Does that sound like a pinko to you?

Re: "Oprah: In League with Osama?" fuckyouamerica writes--

It saddens me that America is so full of ignorant cunts like all of you. Open your damn eyes, respect others' beliefs. Oh well, your own nation to fuck up. Please continue killing each other, do us all a favour.

Dear fuckyouamerica,

I like your gumption. In today's PC world, too many folks treat violence like a bad thing, as if it were sex or something. But the Bible teaches us that killing can be a glorious thing. As I like to tell the kids, "Stabby-ness is next to Godliness."


Re: "Don't Even Get Us Started on Anagrams!" Anonymous writes--

um..hi..you know the bible you're into? that was originally written in aramaic (early version of hebrew) then hebrew..THEN greek..then latin..then english.

aramaic and herbrew are both read right to left.

Dear Anonymous,

I don't know what kind of propaganda the public schools have fed you, but the only true Bible is the King James Bible, written in English, God's favorite language.

Re: "The Big Lie" Anonymous writes--

So you base your entire position that Oprah is the Antichrist on the sole argument that she is sucessful and makes a lot of money?That's all you have?Why aren't the Google guys the antichrist?They have WAY MORE MONEY than Oprah, and they made it in a fraction of the time; and way more people use google all over the world than any Oprah product(I love google by the way). Why isn't Donald Trump the AC?Because he is a republican?. It is so obvious that you are a typical redneck from the American South who hates any succesful black person, you don't even bother to hide it.


Dear Anonymous,

I'm not sure where everyone gets this idea that we're from the American South. OprahTruth Ministries is based in Florida, not the South. And we are by no means resentful of successful people of color--in fact, we have many black friends.


Re: "The Big Lie" the Owl writes--

STAY OFF THE CRACK PIPE PEOPLE!

Dear Owl,

Yes, that's wonderful advice. Drugs are destroying our society. Thanks for reading!

Re: "Spare Us, Oprah!" jess_hors writes--

hello, you are all complete fuckheads and are just afraid because it is a strong, black woman who is successful and has influence.

Why don't you fucking take some action on that PRESIDENT of yours who is KILLING your nation each and every day?

YOu people disgust me


Dear jess_whores,

You want to talk about disgust? We have just been alerted to the fact that a man in Great Britain is actually advocating the eating of human babies. That's right--tiny little babies. I'd say that's a lot more shocking than the actions of our nation's President, wouldn't you?

Don't Be Miracle-Whipped!

Second Thessalonians 2:8-10 KJV. And then shall that Wicked be revealed, whom the Lord shall consume with the spirit of his mouth, and shall destroy with the brightness of his coming: Even him, whose coming is after the working of Satan with all power and signs and lying wonders, And with all deceivableness of unrighteousness in them that perish; because they received not the love of the truth, that they might be saved.

Hello, faithful friends--

First, our apologies for the long silence. Since last November, we have been engaging in spiritual warfare, putting on the Full Armor of God to battle the forces of Satan. It's been a harrowing ordeal, but we are stronger for it.

Our struggle began at the OprahTruth Ministries barbecue fundraiser, an annual event held each year. This past year, we raised over $34 to go towards cable lockboxes for underprivileged families, so that they can shield their children from Oprah's Big Give. Unfortunately, we also overindulged in spicy-honey-teriyaki-Cap'n Crunch-glazed ribs. It is not our place to question, but we do sometimes wonder why our Lord had to make the pig so tasty.

Soon it was Thanksgiving, bringing with it deep-fried turkey, deep-fried cranberry sauce, and deep-fried Twinkies (or as we call them in our family, Patriot Pies). And of course Christmas, when we celebrate the birth of the King of the Jews with country ham. To make a long story short, by January we found ourselves carrying around cans of Crisco to aid us in getting through doorways. And that is when we found ourselves being lured by the promises of the Evil One:



Our Father, in His wisdom, sometimes allows his followers to be tempted. Even Christ was taunted by Satan as he fasted in the desert for forty days. Our experience was not unlike His, only our Lord still could have looked good in a bathing suit in the midst of His trials. As Oprah's minions paraded around, waving their dsicarded Lane Bryant pantsuits aloft, we found ourselves asking, "Should we maybe buy a copy of The Best Life Diet?"

That's the power of the Antichrist, who tries to sway us with false miracles. But don't be fooled--she is a liar! ("Thyroid problem," my fanny.)

I'm proud to say that we remained strong. We resisted her ploy and instead lost our demon flab through the Gideon Diet. What's that, you ask? It's simple:

Breakfast: One Gideon Bible, toasted. Diet Coke.

Lunch: Gideon Bible sandwich. Diet Coke.

Dinner: Gideon New Testament on a bed of rice. Caffeine-free Diet Coke.

Dr. Phil may not endorse it, but it'll satisfy your spiritual hunger while helping you drop those pounds. For it is written: ...Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that proceedeth out of the mouth of God. Matthew 4:4 KJV

Hallelujah!

Spare us, Oprah!

The Abuse Scandal at Oprah's South Africa school should come as a shock to no one. It is true that Proverbs 13:24 states, "He that spareth the rod, hateth his son: but he that loveth him, correcteth him betimes." But that refers to discipline coming from a loving, godly parent. Even today's heathen, liberal-run public schools are better than leaving your children with the Antichrist!

Oprah: In League with Osama?

Here's an insightful article on How Oprah Ruined the Marathon. Why does this matter to us? Because it's not just about running--Oprah is destroying America's spirit of competition, the cornerstone of capitalism. God has a special plan for this nation, provided we continue to adhere to the Christian values laid out by our forefathers. Let's not let Oprah lead us astray. Don't just settle for dragging your sorry behind over the finish line--Jesus likes winners!