Friday, April 10, 2009

Satire=Satan's Ire

For the literally dozens of supporters who have written to ask why I haven't updated my satirical blog in the past few months, I am now ready to share the details of my painful journey. I now understand that saying one thing and meaning another is what SATAN does, not what Christians should do!

I created my "Atheism is Awesome!" blog as a Christian response to Anti-Spore, Landover Baptist,, and other "Christian" websites that are actually satirically mocking our Lord. Although one thoughtful reader tried to warn me, I didn't realize that by masquerading as an unbeliever, I ran the risk of turning into one!

As with all of Satan's traps, it started out small. I was on my way to church, and I passed my local Starbucks. I had skipped my Sanka that morning, and while I normally make a point of not patronizing businesses that open on Sundays, I thought, "If I'm going to write in the voice of a latte-sipping liberal secular humanist, shouldn't I familiarize myself with what a latte tastes like? So I went in.

What happened next is a blur... You've heard about how drug dealers always give you the first hit free? Well, it's absolutely true! I walked into that store, and right away a young girl in a green smock handed me a sample-sized Triple Mint Mocha Hazelnut Crème Brûlée Frappucino Blast© with caramel syrup. I took a sip. It was...not Sanka! Immediately, it was like a demon had crawled into my mouth and laid its eggs in my brain. All I could think about was getting more!!!

I walked up to the counter and ordered a Venti, and when she asked if I wanted an extra shot, I laughed, like someone else was actually laughing through me, and replied, "Why not two?" I drank the whole think in one gulp and ordered another! I was out of my mind on the magic beans.

I looked at my watch and realized that it was already a quarter past eleven. Now, some still small part of me knew that I was headed down a dangerous path, even though the demon was in control. But to rationalize it to my conscience, I told myself, "I don't want to cause a disruption by going to church late. What if I just continue the charade and spend the entire day as my atheist character? Then I can really expose their folly--now that's good satire!"

That's when the spree began. I ran outside and, spotting some fraternity boys, called out, "I am an unbelieving Jezebel! Who would like to fornicate with me?" Our Lord Jesus was surely protecting me, as there were no takers.

That didn't slow me down, though. I stripped off my denim jumper and ran naked through the streets, shouting, "All hail Oprah! Praise her servant Obama!" A police officer noticed me and started chasing me on his bicycle. I eluded him by ducking into the Adult XXX Superstore, where I disguised myself as a sexy cavewoman. That was when I realized where my evil master was leading me--the Natural History Museum.

Whatever happened next, I have, thankfully, repressed. I know that I was found at around noon, passed out in a compromising position with a statue of Cro-Magnon man.

I am still in prison for breaking and entering, indecent exposure, and the theft of a vibrating T-Rex marital aid. Brothers and Sisters, I urge you to learn from my mistakes. In the name of Our Lord, stay away from satire!!!!