Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Keep "Banned Books" in "Banned Books Week"!

As our loyal readers know, we here at OprahTruth Ministries have been busy celebrating Banned Books Week. More specifically, we've been using it to launch our new LibraryTruth Project, an effort to rid our public libraries of Oprah's Book Club filth. Upon closer inspection of the Banned Books Week website, however, we have discovered that most of the events they've planned for this week are in fact against banning books. When did this secular war on Banned Books Week start? I guess it just goes to show that you can't always take a website at face value. It's sad, though, to see the extent to which unsaved liberals have infiltrated our culture--they snap their fingers and suddenly dozens of library science majors around the country are making bulletin boards! Who will protect our children in all of this?

It's not a total waste, though--our mission remains the same. We still remember the reason for the season!!!

Monday, September 28, 2009

Oprah's Book Club Goes after Our Kids!

Luke 18:16 Suffer little children to come unto me, and forbid them not: for of such is the kingdom of God.

We here at the LibraryTruth Project are pleased to announce that we have had an enormously successful Banned Books Week so far, and we still hope to cleanse as many libraries as possible by the end of the week! Unfortunately, completely ridding our taxpayer-funded libraries of Oprah's Book Club is a much larger undertaking, as her lies reach far and wide--she's even targeting innocent children!

What kind of filth is the Antichrist pushing on our kids? How about Neil Gaiman's The Graveyard Book, a charming little tale that teaches children that it's all right to dabble in magic and demon worship, that it's fun and educational to communicate with the undead, that ghosts and werewolves and British people are fine and dandy. Is this what you want your children reading?

If not, there are two ways to take our country back: a) homeschool your kids, and b) donate to the LibraryTruth Project today!

Saturday, September 26, 2009

Say You're NOT One of Them!

Banned Books Week begins today! (Could starting a week on Saturday be another assault on the Christian calendar? We wouldn't put anything past secular liberals!) That means it's the perfect time to join the LibraryTruth Project and help remove Oprah's lies from taxpayer-supported public libraries.

The Antichrist recently announced her latest infernal book club selection: Uwem Akpan's Say You're One of Them. In case the author's demonic-sounding name isn't enough to scare you away, just look at the first story, "An Ex-Mas Feast." The word "X-mas" is, of course, a product of the secular war on Christmas, which plays right into Oprah's hands. Don't be deceived--join the fight today!

Friday, September 25, 2009

Home Schooling--One Step Further!

Christian warrior Kirk Cameron recently produced a documentary which reveals some troubling statistics: Did you know that in our nation's top 50 colleges and universities, over 54 percent of professors surveyed said they would describe themselves as atheists or agnostics? Additionally, 37 percent responded that they were Buddhist, 12 percent Wiccan, and the remaining 24 percent of the people responsible for educating tomorrow's leaders are in fact Muslims who worship Barack Obama. Fact. Given the ivory tower's loopy worldview, it's no wonder academics are so quick to accept Darwin's "theory" of evolution (a doctrine Oprah promotes heavily among her followers).

What are Christian families to do? Should we deny our children the opportunities that a college degree affords them? Or should we send them off to be brainwashed by pot-smoking atheist sodomites?

Here's a suggestion--since homeschooling is so effective in raising Godly children, why not continue homeschooling your adult children? Write today for an official OprahTruth Ministries "Professor Mom" Home University kit! It comes with a King James Bible, a year's supply of Ramen noodles, and a pack of college-ruled notebook paper--a $99 value, for only $69! With our kit, you'll learn how to talk to your children about serious intellectual questions. Order today and receive a free poster of Mr. Cameron, suitable for framing!

Saturday, September 19, 2009

"Train up a child in the way he should go..." Proverbs 22:6

Obama's mass brainwashing of public school students is just the latest liberal attempt at making our children ripe for demon possession. Every day, millions of innocent children are told that prayer is against the rules, that homosexuality is fine and dandy "as long as they love each other," that humans come from some sort of chimp that crawled out of the swamp in the year 1,000,000 B.J. Private school students and children who are homeschooled are the only ones who ever get a chance to learn the truth. Of course, people like Oprah trivialize the concept of home schooling, because they're afraid of what could happen if we all started taking our responsibilities as parents seriously. Protect your children from public school indoctrination!

Friday, September 18, 2009

Open House a Great Success!

Thanks to all who came out to the OprahTruth Ministries Open House! It was a damp September evening, but we kept warm by the light of the fire. It was a wonderful evening of fellowship and deep-fried ham balls!

A New Strategy for Truth

We have been asking our friends to pray for OprahTruth Ministries in how we can bring our message to a larger portion of Oprah's brainwashed minions. As you know, in addition to reading this blog, you can now follow us on Twitter. But a vision of a new, bold campaign has been given to one of our prayer warriors and we need your support.

The Leaders of OprahTruth Ministries are going to pursue a LIVE appearance on Oprah's talk show to confront Antichrist face-to-face. Her website lists the following "hot topics" for upcoming shows:
  • Do you find motherhood difficult?
  • Are you the world's BIGGEST Garage Sale Queen?
  • Do you want a nutrition makeover?
  • Are You On The Brink Of Divorce?
  • Do You Want an Easy Eco-Makeover?
  • Do you need to lose 100 pounds or more?
While we don't want to be deceptive, we also know the cowardly nature of the Antichrist, and she will certainly not face us intentionally. So, in an effort to get the feet of truth in the door, we ask you to pray about how we should approach one of the above topics. Difficult motherhood? Garage Sale Queen? Nutrition makeover? Divorce? Eco-Makeover (we aren't actually sure what this is)? 100 pounds overweight? Whatever we choose, we feel confident we can approach it from an upstanding, spiritual angle. Then, once cozily lounging on the couch of the Beast, we will douse her with the truth and see what happens.

Let us know what you think!

Thursday, September 17, 2009

The ABCs of the PC

While our new LibraryTruth Project is primarily dedicated to fighting the secular/New Age influence of Oprah's Book Club, we stand against all forms of brainwashing carried out in the name of "education." And today I want to talk about an issue that we feel especially strong about.

Do this right now: Go and take a look at your child's world history textbook. Now, if your child is home-schooled or attends Christian private school, that textbook begins in the logical place, with the Garden of Eden. If, however, God has not blessed you with enough money for private education (and if this is the case, you should pray to the Lord now about what you have done to displease Him), your child is being taught something very different.

Do you notice these three letters--"B.C.E."--anywhere? It stands for "Before the Common Era," and it's just one more way that liberals have found of taking God out of our schools. Apparently it's so painful for them to think about our Lord Jesus Christ that they can no longer bring themselves to say "B.C."

How can we fight back? We at the LibraryTruth Project suggest writing to your local school board and telling them that you won't stand for seeing Jesus erased from history. And just for good measure, let's go one better than "Before Christ"--let's be specific about who the Christ, the Messiah is. We'll call those 4,000 years of history "Before Jesus." Make your voices heard! Tell the liberals in charge that you don't want to look in your child's publicly-funded textbooks and see a B.C.E. after every important date. And tell them you won't settle for a B.C. either. Demand a B.J. today!

LibraryTruth: What's Next?

Beware lest any man spoil you through philosophy and vain deceit, after the tradition of men, after the rudiments of the world, and not after Christ.
Colossians 2:8

If you're starting your own library, all that matters is that you start with what you love.

First of all, we'd like to say an "amen" for the love offerings that have poured in since we launched our LibraryTruth Project! (Note: We are, unfortunately, unable to use Confederate money donations at this time, but we still send thanks to our readers in Alabama.)Because of your generosity, our TruthBurners© are well on their way to getting Eckhart Tolle's Satanic tracts out of our libraries. So what now?

Our next target is David Wroblewski's The Story of Edgar Sawtelle. This novel has been described as "a riveting family saga as well as a brilliant exploration of the limits of language." What's wrong with it, you may ask, other than the author's funny foreign name? Well, take a look at Wroblewski's bio: David Wroblewski grew up in rural Wisconsin, not far from the Chequamegon National Forest where The Story of Edgar Sawtelle is set. He earned his master's degree from the Warren Wilson MFA Program for Writers and now lives in Colorado with his partner, the writer Kimberly McClintock, and their dog, Lola.

His partner?

Apparently our society has become so blase about fornication that folks like Wroblewski feel comfortable admitting it to the whole world, right there on the internet. And it's no wonder Oprah would select an author like him for her club, considering her own assault on traditional marriage.

What are you going to do the next time you take your children to the library, and they see books like Edgar Sawtelle on the shelf? What are you going to do when they ask, "Mommy, if I live in sin, can I become a famous writer, too?"

Banned Books Week starts September 26--let's celebrate by banning Oprah's deviant propaganda!

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Oprah's Brainwashed Disciples

Still think Oprah isn't peddling her own religion? Watch her audience as they pray to their false idol:

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Join the Cause!

Do you want your children reading about adultery and suicide? How about witchcraft? Or stream of consciousness? More importantly, do you want your tax dollars to pay for it?

That's why we've created the LibraryTruth Project, a nationwide effort to remove Oprah's book club books from our taxpayer-supported public libraries. We're starting with Eckhart Tolle's satanic manifesto, A New Earth. Our goal is to get it out of every library in the U.S. by the end of September. How can you help?

1) DONATE to the LibraryTruth Project*
2) VOLUNTEER as a TruthBurner© in your area
3) FOLLOW our tweets on Twitter #LTP

Help fight the Antichrist!

*Thanks to persecution we are facing under our socialist government, we are unable to officially solicit donations. So for now, make checks payable to the "American Library Association."

Monday, September 14, 2009

The Antichrist Glass Ceiling

We can't tell you how often we receive comments like this one:

The black and angry one is not the antichrist.

instead, it is President barack Obama.

Or this one:

The Rev. Jerry Falwell says the Antichrist is probably alive today and is a male Jew.

Everyone is sure convinced that the Antichrist couldn't possibly be a woman--but why not? We've already explained it once, but we'll explain it again; there is no reason that the Antichrist should have to be male. As Judith Butler writes, "There is no gender identity behind the expressions of gender; ... identity is performatively constituted by the very 'expressions' that are said to be its results" (Gender Trouble 25). We know who the Antichrist is--she is woman, hear her roar!

Sunday, September 13, 2009

WE Believe That JESUS Is Our Future!

Oprah's 24th season kicks off tomorrow, September 14th, and what does she have planned? Glorifying crackheads, of course. So now our kids can spend all day at school learning socialism from Obama, then come home in time for Oprah's pro-drug, pro-celebrity worship, anti-Jesus hour.

We plan to spend tomorrow praying for America, from the fallout shelter beneath OprahTruth headquarters. If you care about what the antichrist is doing to this great nation, won't you pray along with us?

Father God,

We are under attack.
Our senses are tempted by book club page-turners and Rachel Ray's goodies.
We are told that Dr. Oz can heal our bodies and Dr. Phil our minds--
but what about our souls?
Protect us, O Lord, from the lies of the antichrist!
Protect us from Oprah and her servant Obama!
We don't need her "favorite things" or other earthly treasures, only Heavenly treasures!

We pray in Jesus' name,


Please forward this prayer to all your Christian friends!!!

Saturday, September 12, 2009

OprahTruth @our readers--look what's new!

As part of our continuing efforts to reach more and more folks with the truth, we are now "tweaking," as they call it, on twitter.com! Come and tweak along with us!

Friday, September 11, 2009

When the Antichrist Goes to Sleep at Night, She Checks Her Closet for Chuck Norris

Today our thanks go out to the dedicated reader who forwarded us this editorial by none other than Chuck Norris. That's right, Walter, Texas Ranger himself! Who can forget him in Forest Gump Warrior or Fire Walker with Me? And he's got Oprah's number! Norris explains how Oprah's brand of religion "only quotes relatively benign sayings of Jesus, avoiding the more difficult ones."

Well said! All anyone wants to hear today is that wishy-washy "love thy neighbor" nonsense. But no one wants to hear that they can't steal or commit adultery or make graven images. Norris supports the National Council on Bible Curriculuum in Public Schools, an organization that promotes decent Christian values

We salute you, Lone Wolf McDuck--keep fighting the good fight!

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Peace is for Pansies!

We weren't surprised to find this namby-pamby claptrap from Oprah's feel-good spiritual guru, Marianne Williamson. Williamson mocks our national day of mourning by offering the following "prayer": Dear God, please work a miracle among us. Turn fear into love, war into peace, the forces of death into the forces of eternal life. And so it is. Amen.

What part of Matthew 10:34 does Williamson not understand? Jesus says, "Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword."

We feel that America has forgotten the Lord's precious message of violence. That's why the theme of this year's open house will be "Never, Ever, EVER Forget." Entertainment will be provided by a local Christian hardcore band--a delightful group of young people who'll get us all pumped up for the book/effigy burning and weenie roast. We'll have food, fellowship, and fun!

Friday, September 4, 2009

We See Who Oprah Prays To

Good News for Godly Women!

It's not always easy keeping up with the latest technology fads, like cell phones and "mp3" players and friendster.com (and some of those are most likely tools of the beast). Many of you have written in since we first announced our new self-help series, Slavery Is Freedom! Practical Advice on How to Be a Fulfilled, Godly Woman, available in a CD box set for only $39.95. "But wait!" you said. "What if we don't have a CD player?" Well, now you're in luck! Slavery Is Freedom is now available on cassette tapes for the same crazy low price, so get out your boom box and let the obedience begin!

Thursday, July 2, 2009

More reader responses:

Anonymous writes:

What is your contibution to the world? Hate, anger or is it jeolousy? Oprah's guidance has brought more people closer to God than your deep fried ham balls and book burning. Rather go find God's love and live in His Glory!
Be blessed!

Dear Anonymous,

Don't knock 'em until you've tried 'em:

Deep-Fried Ham Balls

8 oz, ham minced
2 scallions, minced
3 eggs, beaten
4 slices Wonder bread crumbs
2 T. flour
½ cup crumbled bacon
2 tsp. salt
1/4 tsp. dry mustard
Oil for deep-frying
Mix all ingredients. Shape into walnut-size balls. Deep fry until golden brown and serve with cheesy ranch dipping sauce (1 C Cheez Whiz mixed with 1 C Ranch dressing).

Anonymous writes:

I don't understand what is a joke and what is serious. But it's all ^%$# funny.

Dear Anonymous,

I assure you, friend, that Hell is not ^%$# funny.

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

This is FOR REAL!!!!!!!!!*

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+(¯`'•.¸(¯`'•.¸*++*¸.•'´¯)¸.•' ´¯)+
++(¯`'•.¸(¯`'•.¸**¸.•'´¯)¸.•'´ ¯)++
~~~~~RESIST the Evil One!!!!!!~~~~~
(_¸.•'´(_¸.•'´*++++*`'•.¸_)`'• .¸_)
+(_¸.•'´(_¸.•'´*++*`'•.¸_)`'•. ¸_)+

*An actual O magazine cover, enhanced with Photoshop

Sunday, June 28, 2009

To the Naysayers out There

I recently came across the following on answers.com:

"no Oprah is not the antichrist because of these reasons. First it is because Christ was a man so the antichrist has to be a man. The antichrist also needs to perform miracles to make others beleive that he is not the anticrist. The Antichrist must have great power in authority. He will also have great power from the devil but he will claim it to be god's. The Antichrist must also be related to Israel. Obviously, he's already here... Barack Hussien Obama is all of those. He's a male, he's the president of the United States of America, he's an atheist who said he 'appreciates' prayers & yet he says "we need to be above religon", & he was actually born in Kenya, which is south of Jerusalem. In the Bible, it is said that the antichrist will also be the 'King of the South.'"

This is just another good example of how you can't believe something just because some anonymous person writes it. The only source of absolute truth is the King James Bible, not some website claiming to have "answers." Although we certainly agree that Obama is a threat, he's no Antichrist. First of all, the Antichrist is not the same person as the King of the South, so get your facts straight. Also, we all know that the Antichrist will be associated with the number 666. Check this out: If you assign a numerical value to each letter of the name "Oprah Winfrey," with "a" being 1, "b" 2, etc., then add them together, you get 157. Multiply that by 2, the number of grades she skipped in elementary school, and you get 312. Subtract that from 1986, the year her television program first aired, and (are you getting chills yet?) that makes 1674. Finally, subtract 1008, the number of pages in our copy of War and Peace, which is by Leo Tolstoy, who also wrote Anna Karenina, a 2004 Oprah's book club selection. That gives you 666!!! A fact like that can't be explained as mere coincidence, friends. And finally...the Antichrist has to be a man because Christ was a man?

If you take the time to do some serious research, you'll find that the Antichrist will be the opposite of Christ. Since Jesus was a white man, then doesn't the Antichrist have to be a black woman?

Let this be a reminder--only trust reliable sources!

Saturday, June 27, 2009

Oprah's False Religion

Well, friends, Oprah is up to her usual tricks. This week, an article on Oprah.com offers the following drivel to her mindless followers:

According to spiritual coach Cheryl Richardson, grace is a divine energy or spiritual intelligence that comes from a divine source. "Some people call it 'God,' 'Jesus,' 'spirit,' 'the universe,' 'a higher power'—whatever it is, wherever you are in your path, that's your prerogative in terms of what you call it," Cheryl says. "This beautiful energy is available to each and every one of us, regardless of whether you believe it or not, as well."

BE WARNED: "Beloved, believe not every spirit, but try the spirits whether they are of God: because many false prophets are gone out into the world." 1 John 4:1

Folks, you can't just go around higglety-pigglety calling everything "God." Oprah is trying to preach the heretical idea that divine love is available to everyone equally--regardless of belief. But we know the TRUTH: that our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ is the one true and loving God, and anyone who says otherwise will burn to a crisp.

When your mind is "open" and working like a parachute, you're in a downward motion toward HELL! There's nothing new about Oprah's New Age foolishness. It's just another name for demon possession.

¯`'•.¸(¯`'•. ¸*♥♥♥♥*¸.•'´¯)¸.•' ´¯)
♥(¯`'•.¸(¯`'•.¸*♥♥*¸.•'´¯)¸.•' ´¯)♥
♥♥(¯`'•.¸(¯`'•.¸**¸.•'´¯)¸.•'´ ¯)♥♥
~~~~~JESUS LOVES YOU!!!!!~~~~~
(_¸.•'´(_¸.•'´*♥♥♥♥*`'•.¸_)`'• .¸_)
♥(_¸.•'´(_¸.•'´*♥♥*`'•.¸_)`'•. ¸_)♥

Free Sample from Our New Self-Help Series!

Oprah's aggressive brand of feminism has produced nothing but suffering families and a corrupt culture. That's why we created Slavery Is Freedom! Practical Advice on How to Be a Fulfilled, Godly Woman. This sermon series explains everything a woman needs to know about maintaining a healthy Christian marriage--in simple, easy-to-understand language.

Here's a taste:

Being a Godly Woman© is more than merely keeping a spotless house, raising little angels, and catering to your man's every whim--although these are all important things, too. But since our actions stem from our thoughts, the first thing a Godly Woman© must do is examine her mind.

Paul writes that we should be "casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ." 2 Corinthians 10:5

Whatever does it mean to "take our thoughts into captivity"? Each and every day we have ever so many thoughts, and the Lord Jesus knows each one of them. These thoughts can either be ones that are pleasing to Him--like planning that lemon raspberry pound cake you're going to bake for the church fundraiser--or displeasing to Him--like the thoughts produced by watching Gilmore Girls and other racy television shows. As Christian Ladies©, it is our responsibility to “examine everything” (1 Thessalonians 5:21) to find which of these areas our thoughts fall into. Is it a thought that is in accordance with Scripture? Is it contrary to it? Or is it a ‘neutral’ thought? If it falls into anything but the first category, it must be suppressed!

But how can you keep all of that straight? Just remember to keep your thoughts Cheerful, Obedient, and Womanly--or C.O.W.! Cheerful thoughts make you pleasant to be around--no one likes a whiner! Obedience is the most important virtue a woman can possess. And be sure to stay focused on womanly matters; fretting over politics or current events will only give you wrinkles!

So the next time you're troubled by a thought of some sort, examine it carefully. You can keep those thoughts in check, as long as you're a good C.O.W.!

Friday, June 26, 2009

Oprah's War on the Family

Friends, it's no secret that the American family is under attack. Gay marriage is now legal in several states, and we can already see what that's doing to the sacred institution of marriage.

But the threat posed by the gays is, at least, out in the open. Lucifer and his demons also have more subtle--and therefore more dangerous--weapons at their disposal.

Now this may offend the delicate feelings of some out there who've been brainwashed by the PC media, but I'm going to go ahead and say it: God designed the family, and he did so without consulting Gloria Steinem or Hillary Clinton. That's right--our Lord put the man in charge, as Paul writes:

"Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing." Ephesians 5:22-24

Let me emphasize that--in a healthy family, the wife is subject unto her husband in every thing.

Unfortunately--and this should come as no surprise--Oprah has a different view, one that she's passing on to her millions of devoted followers.

Oprah.com: Don't Be a Doormat!

Just what does Oprah consider a "doormat"? Here are a few examples:

*My "to do" list includes things I don't have to do, and things I don't want to do.

*I feel panicky about the thought of someone disliking or disapproving of me.

*I feel virtuous when I override my own needs or wishes to please others.

Why, what is Oprah's "doormat," but a Godly woman?

"Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies. The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil. She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life. She seeketh wool, and flax, and worketh willingly with her hands. She is like the merchants' ships; she bringeth her food from afar. She riseth also while it is yet night, and giveth meat to her household, and a portion to her maidens." Proverbs 31:10-15

Someone has got to save the family. That's why we at OprahTruth ministries are offering, for a limited time, this four-CD self-help series, Slavery is Freedom! Practical Advice on How to Be a Fulfilled, Godly Woman. In it, you'll find advice on a wide range of topics, including:

*How to anticipate your husband's needs and wants, before he asks

*How to spend the allowance he gives you more efficiently

*When to shut up

*Recipes, cleaning tips, and more!

I'd also like to thank everyone who has welcomed me since my recent release from prison. It is a blessing to be back with my family, and half of the proceeds from Slavery is Freedom will go towards covering my legal fees.


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/.•*•.\ ¸..•¤**¤•.,.•¤**¤•.*.•¤**¤•.¸¸ .•¤**¤•.

Here's where we answer more questions from dedicated readers!

Anonymous: Okay, this is just ridiculous. Don't you people have anything better to do? For one thing God makes it VERY clear that we cannot judge the hearts of man, only He can... If you don't know that maybe you should open it up and stop using Gods word to hurt others and take it in to your own life and use it to pin point your own hearts. This is upsetting that you are doing this to someone.. I do not agree with these tactics and what a poor example of the true love of God... If you don't agree with her fine.. you don't have to that's free choice that God gives us but I would bet to say that someone who is focusing so much of their attention on Oprah needs to maybe look inside and deal with their own life and maybe focus on things that really matter. You don't like the tv show? TURN IT OFF!!! I do not watch Oprah myself but I do not agree with the tactics you are using... I know deep down that you feel you are in the right.. but if we go by our feelings then we are led astray (that's in the Bible as well) Thats a HUGE accusation to put on someone and its loveless. If you truly have come into contact with the true living God - then why are you not on your knees and praying for the better for others and God's will to prosper? This is a huge mockery on what God really is and once again shows how man-made religion strips the worlds view of a God that is truly loving and merciful... its no wonder so many people are turned off by chrisitanity.. look at how we act! look at how we treat others! this is an ache for the ones out there who truly do care about others no matter what background they come from and what they choose.. remember how much God loved and still loves you in all your mistakes and human errors and how patient He is with you in all your ways? I agree with one blogger: I would say that this is being operated out of fear and remember: "Fear is not of God"

Dear Anonymous,
I'm sorry--who doesn't have anything better to do?

Anonymous: There is no such thing as Antichrist.
That you don't like Oprah is another issue by itself.

Dear Anonymous,
"The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he did not exist."
Soze 19:94

Anonymous: What a load of nonsense. I too am a Christian and what you are writing is not Christlike behaviour at all. You are tarnishing someones reputationn without any evidence at all, which is no better that a witch hunt of old. If you say you are Christian , beware of what you are doing to others. Christian paranio is the worst kind of beligerence.

Dear Anonymous,
If you know anything about those witch hunts, then you know how effective they were. The Puritans certainly would have known better than to dress innocent children up like instruments of Satan and send them to Barnes & Noble for a Harry Potter book release party! As to whether or not you're a true Christian, let's just hope for your sake that the Lord Jesus doesn't give spelling tests in Heaven!

Kasey Wagner: Hey, Susie! This is Kasey (Victoria's daughter). I can't decide which I like more - your blog or the comments left by the poor people who don't get it!

Dear Kasey,
I'm sure I have no idea what you mean. I pray that the Lord will expel the demons inside you.

Until next time!

Friday, April 10, 2009

Satire=Satan's Ire

For the literally dozens of supporters who have written to ask why I haven't updated my satirical blog in the past few months, I am now ready to share the details of my painful journey. I now understand that saying one thing and meaning another is what SATAN does, not what Christians should do!

I created my "Atheism is Awesome!" blog as a Christian response to Anti-Spore, Landover Baptist, Chick.com, and other "Christian" websites that are actually satirically mocking our Lord. Although one thoughtful reader tried to warn me, I didn't realize that by masquerading as an unbeliever, I ran the risk of turning into one!

As with all of Satan's traps, it started out small. I was on my way to church, and I passed my local Starbucks. I had skipped my Sanka that morning, and while I normally make a point of not patronizing businesses that open on Sundays, I thought, "If I'm going to write in the voice of a latte-sipping liberal secular humanist, shouldn't I familiarize myself with what a latte tastes like? So I went in.

What happened next is a blur... You've heard about how drug dealers always give you the first hit free? Well, it's absolutely true! I walked into that store, and right away a young girl in a green smock handed me a sample-sized Triple Mint Mocha Hazelnut Crème Brûlée Frappucino Blast© with caramel syrup. I took a sip. It was...not Sanka! Immediately, it was like a demon had crawled into my mouth and laid its eggs in my brain. All I could think about was getting more!!!

I walked up to the counter and ordered a Venti, and when she asked if I wanted an extra shot, I laughed, like someone else was actually laughing through me, and replied, "Why not two?" I drank the whole think in one gulp and ordered another! I was out of my mind on the magic beans.

I looked at my watch and realized that it was already a quarter past eleven. Now, some still small part of me knew that I was headed down a dangerous path, even though the demon was in control. But to rationalize it to my conscience, I told myself, "I don't want to cause a disruption by going to church late. What if I just continue the charade and spend the entire day as my atheist character? Then I can really expose their folly--now that's good satire!"

That's when the spree began. I ran outside and, spotting some fraternity boys, called out, "I am an unbelieving Jezebel! Who would like to fornicate with me?" Our Lord Jesus was surely protecting me, as there were no takers.

That didn't slow me down, though. I stripped off my denim jumper and ran naked through the streets, shouting, "All hail Oprah! Praise her servant Obama!" A police officer noticed me and started chasing me on his bicycle. I eluded him by ducking into the Adult XXX Superstore, where I disguised myself as a sexy cavewoman. That was when I realized where my evil master was leading me--the Natural History Museum.

Whatever happened next, I have, thankfully, repressed. I know that I was found at around noon, passed out in a compromising position with a statue of Cro-Magnon man.

I am still in prison for breaking and entering, indecent exposure, and the theft of a vibrating T-Rex marital aid. Brothers and Sisters, I urge you to learn from my mistakes. In the name of Our Lord, stay away from satire!!!!