Tuesday, August 5, 2008

Questions / Comments from Our Readers

Re: "Oprah: In League with Osama?" Anonymous writes--

"Jesus likes winners"?What does that mean?Isn't he supposed to LOVE (not just like) everyone?And what does Capitalism have to do with God, at all? You rednecks do not even try anymore; you use the bible and Jesus to shamelessly push your political agenda and don't even try to disguise it. Jesus is NOT a member of the National Republican Committee, he was not and is not into politics and if anything, he was a socialist, not a bigot from the American south.

Dear Anonymous,

I'm sorry, but I believe you misunderstood--that's "winners," not "whiners." And while I can see how Our Lord's crazy long hair and sandals might confuse you, He was most certainly not a socialist. Take, for example, Matthew 26:11, in which the disciples complain about the woman of Bethany spending money on precious ointment to pour on Christ's head when the money for it could have been given to the poor. Jesus says, "For ye have the poor always with you; but me ye have not always." In other words, "Forget the poor--I need something for my split ends!" Does that sound like a pinko to you?

Re: "Oprah: In League with Osama?" fuckyouamerica writes--

It saddens me that America is so full of ignorant cunts like all of you. Open your damn eyes, respect others' beliefs. Oh well, your own nation to fuck up. Please continue killing each other, do us all a favour.

Dear fuckyouamerica,

I like your gumption. In today's PC world, too many folks treat violence like a bad thing, as if it were sex or something. But the Bible teaches us that killing can be a glorious thing. As I like to tell the kids, "Stabby-ness is next to Godliness."

Re: "Don't Even Get Us Started on Anagrams!" Anonymous writes--

um..hi..you know the bible you're into? that was originally written in aramaic (early version of hebrew) then hebrew..THEN greek..then latin..then english.

aramaic and herbrew are both read right to left.

Dear Anonymous,

I don't know what kind of propaganda the public schools have fed you, but the only true Bible is the King James Bible, written in English, God's favorite language.

Re: "The Big Lie" Anonymous writes--

So you base your entire position that Oprah is the Antichrist on the sole argument that she is sucessful and makes a lot of money?That's all you have?Why aren't the Google guys the antichrist?They have WAY MORE MONEY than Oprah, and they made it in a fraction of the time; and way more people use google all over the world than any Oprah product(I love google by the way). Why isn't Donald Trump the AC?Because he is a republican?. It is so obvious that you are a typical redneck from the American South who hates any succesful black person, you don't even bother to hide it.

Dear Anonymous,

I'm not sure where everyone gets this idea that we're from the American South. OprahTruth Ministries is based in Florida, not the South. And we are by no means resentful of successful people of color--in fact, we have many black friends.

Re: "The Big Lie" the Owl writes--


Dear Owl,

Yes, that's wonderful advice. Drugs are destroying our society. Thanks for reading!

Re: "Spare Us, Oprah!" jess_hors writes--

hello, you are all complete fuckheads and are just afraid because it is a strong, black woman who is successful and has influence.

Why don't you fucking take some action on that PRESIDENT of yours who is KILLING your nation each and every day?

YOu people disgust me

Dear jess_whores,

You want to talk about disgust? We have just been alerted to the fact that a man in Great Britain is actually advocating the eating of human babies. That's right--tiny little babies. I'd say that's a lot more shocking than the actions of our nation's President, wouldn't you?

Monday, August 4, 2008

Don't Be Miracle-Whipped!

Second Thessalonians 2:8-10 KJV. And then shall that Wicked be revealed, whom the Lord shall consume with the spirit of his mouth, and shall destroy with the brightness of his coming: Even him, whose coming is after the working of Satan with all power and signs and lying wonders, And with all deceivableness of unrighteousness in them that perish; because they received not the love of the truth, that they might be saved.

Hello, faithful friends--

First, our apologies for the long silence. Since last November, we have been engaging in spiritual warfare, putting on the Full Armor of God to battle the forces of Satan. It's been a harrowing ordeal, but we are stronger for it.

Our struggle began at the OprahTruth Ministries barbecue fundraiser, an annual event held each year. This past year, we raised over $34 to go towards cable lockboxes for underprivileged families, so that they can shield their children from Oprah's Big Give. Unfortunately, we also overindulged in spicy-honey-teriyaki-Cap'n Crunch-glazed ribs. It is not our place to question, but we do sometimes wonder why our Lord had to make the pig so tasty.

Soon it was Thanksgiving, bringing with it deep-fried turkey, deep-fried cranberry sauce, and deep-fried Twinkies (or as we call them in our family, Patriot Pies). And of course Christmas, when we celebrate the birth of the King of the Jews with country ham. To make a long story short, by January we found ourselves carrying around cans of Crisco to aid us in getting through doorways. And that is when we found ourselves being lured by the promises of the Evil One:

Our Father, in His wisdom, sometimes allows his followers to be tempted. Even Christ was taunted by Satan as he fasted in the desert for forty days. Our experience was not unlike His, only our Lord still could have looked good in a bathing suit in the midst of His trials. As Oprah's minions paraded around, waving their dsicarded Lane Bryant pantsuits aloft, we found ourselves asking, "Should we maybe buy a copy of The Best Life Diet?"

That's the power of the Antichrist, who tries to sway us with false miracles. But don't be fooled--she is a liar! ("Thyroid problem," my fanny.)

I'm proud to say that we remained strong. We resisted her ploy and instead lost our demon flab through the Gideon Diet. What's that, you ask? It's simple:

Breakfast: One Gideon Bible, toasted. Diet Coke.

Lunch: Gideon Bible sandwich. Diet Coke.

Dinner: Gideon New Testament on a bed of rice. Caffeine-free Diet Coke.

Dr. Phil may not endorse it, but it'll satisfy your spiritual hunger while helping you drop those pounds. For it is written: ...Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that proceedeth out of the mouth of God. Matthew 4:4 KJV