Thursday, July 21, 2011

Homosexuality--There's Nothing "Gay" About It!

We'd like to send out a hearty "Amen" this week to Janet Boynes, activist and friend to presidential candidate Michele Bachman, for her tireless efforts in ministering to the gay. Her memoir Called Out: A Former Lesbian's Discovery of Freedom details her own struggle from lesbianism to Godly Womanhood.

If the righteous don't stand up for the Lord and intervene, Boynes predicts that over half of U.S. children will soon be raised by gay couples. That's because prolonged exposure to the gay can actually turn Godly straight people!

As women of God striving to live lives worthy of Him, we understand the temptations posed by the homosexual lifestyle all too well. We live in a world where Oprah Winfrey can openly flaunt her relationship with a person named Gay le King. It's especially difficult nowadays,with they gays out there recruiting and making their lifestyle look so desirable. I mean, who hasn't been flipping channels and accidentally caught a glimpse of the Rachel Maddow Show...and just gazed into her deep brown eyes and imagined gently removing those black frame glasses...peeling off that stylish-yet-practical blazer...Oh, Rachel, tell me again about the debt ceiling...slowly...

I'm sorry, where were we? Pray for America or something. God bless.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Why Burn Books?

OprahTruth Ministries is engaged in a wide variety of mission projects. There's our main mission, which is of course spreading the word about the Antichrist's true identity and what we can do to stop her. There's our current petition to get the Oprah show back on the air, lest we let our guard down. There's our anti-illuminati task force, Fighting to Unify Christ's Kingdom. All of these initiatives raise the ire of secular humanists.

But perhaps our most controversial endeavor, the one that even the Saved sometimes have trouble understanding, is our LibraryTruth project. "Why do you need to remove Oprah's book club books from libraries?" people ask us. "Isn't it enough to simply not read them? Didn't the Nazis burn books? And what's in these delicious ham balls?"

Let me tell you a story. When I was a little girl I was sent to public school. (The only private schools in our area were either Catholic or Montessori--why not just hand you children directly over to Satan? And my parents couldn't home school me, because Daddy worked full time at the dog track, and Mother was always busy with her BeDazzler.) At that public school, all the other little girls were just wild about Judy Blume books. Every day it was all Superfudge this and Blubber that. Like all little girls, I wanted to fit in, and so I went to the library and checked out a hardback copy of Deenie.

Later that afternoon, a little boy named Petie Bradshaw came up to me and made fun of my beautiful BeDazzled denim jumper. So I whacked him in the face with my copy of Deenie, knocking him unconscious. I guess I knocked something loose, because the poor boy was never the same afterward; to this day, he thinks he smells toast all the time. I have since learned that Deenie has been banned from many school libraries over the years, and I can sure see why. It has a very hard cover and sharp edges.

I made it my goal from that day on to protect vulnerable children from the dangers of books, a goal I still embrace today. (And of course this applies only to the kind of demonic trash Oprah promotes, not to weighty, highbrow literature for adults.) And this weekend, when we have our annual OprahTruth book burning/cookout, I'll be praying for poor Petie, praying for the toast smell to go away.


On a side note, many of you have also asked about how the rise of ebooks will affect the future of book burning. Never fear--where there's God's will, there's a way!

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

OprahTruth 4 Rick Perry--Let's Bring God Back to D.C.!

We here at OprahTruth Ministries have been despairing about the lack of righteous, conservative contenders so far for the 2012 presidential election--it seems like there's no one to choose from except a lot of Mormons and ladies. We were starting to think we'd have to go with our old standby of voting for Jesus as a write-in.

Happily, though, it looks like there may be a real choice for Godly voters--Texas governor Rick Perry. Perry is unafraid to stand up for our Lord and is even hosting an official day of prayer in Houston on August 6. (Road trip, anyone? We can all wear our T-shirts!)

We were even more excited to learn about some of Perry's associates, since you can tell a lot about people by the company keep. (We've already discussed some of the folks Oprah has as friends.) Perry is scheduled to speak at a dinner for Cornerstone Action, a charity that seeks to help cure people of the affliction of same-sex desire.

The leadership team for Perry's day of prayer includes five members of the International House of Prayer (IHOP). IHOP's director, Mike Bickle, believes that Oprah Winfrey is the precursor to the Antichrist. You're close, Mr. Bickle, but you're not quite there yet. We do love your pancakes, though!

The day of prayer is also endorsed by C. Peter Wagner, who belives that the recent Japanese earthquake and tsunami were caused by a demon who had sex with the emperor of Japan. We are uncertain as to the truthfulness of Wagner's claims, but we do find it telling that Emperor Akihito has not responded to any of our emails regarding the matter.

Perry hasn't officially announced his candidacy yet, but we've got our fingers crossed! Or at least we would, if finger crossing were not a form of devil worship.

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Oprah's Satanic Conspiracy

First of all, we're proud to report that we're still making progress with our petition to bring back the Oprah Winfrey show in order to reawaken God's flock to her true danger. With any luck, we'll soon have the show back on the air, so that we can get it taken off again. However, it has come to our attention that some signers may be using fake names in order to turn our petition into some sort of joke. "Mike Hunt," "I. P. Freely," and "Anita Dick," whoever you really are, you should be ashamed of yourselves, and your crude comments have been removed from this site. We would like to thank Mr. Heywood Jablome for pointing out their prank--you're a true Christian, sir!

Sadly, many more readers continue to question the need for OprahTruth Ministries. "The show is over," they say. "She hasn't taken over the world. All Oprah ever did was interview celebrities and give away cars. What's the harm?"

Ah, but look at the company she keeps:

What's wrong with Beyoncé and Jay-Z, you may ask, other than the fact that they make secular young people's music? Take a look at this eye-opening documentary:

That's right--and this demonic Illuminati conspiracy is worldwide. Just look at the images that permeate our pop culture:

That's why we're launching our new campaign to band together and battle the forces of Satanism--we're

Fighting to

Because we give a F.U.C.K.!

If you're a concerned Christian willing to join our crusade, the best way you can help is by donating today--but please, no one dollar bills!

Monday, June 13, 2011

Bring Her Back!

Wait. What did we just say? That's right, you heard us.

As we've mentioned before, our funds have been scarce ever since Oprah Antichrist Winfrey announced that this season would be the last for her show. Never mind that her minion Dr. Oz is taking her place or that she now has an entire network for spreading her filth. No, people saw that it was the "Farewell Season" and figured that was that. (I suppose you believed in Cher's Farewell Tour, too?)

Well, the last episode aired on May 25th, and now donations have dribbled down to nothing. We're having to work overtime at the adult bookstore (and we're starting to get suspicious that it may be more than just a store that sells highbrow literature for adults).

It seems to only way to make people realize what a true danger the Antichrist poses is to keep her on the air. That's why we're asking folks to sign the following:

Petition to Bring Back the Oprah Winfrey Show So We Can Take It off the Air Again

To: Television

We the undersigned ask that you bring Oprah Winfrey, Antichrist, with all of her makeovers and free car giveaways and bogus health advice, back to her usual time slot, so that the world might know true evil once again and make with the love offerings.


OprahTruth Ministries and Friends

Use the comment field to sign, and pass this along to your Godly friends! And spread the news on Twitter!

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

If God Didn't Want Us to Eat Meat, He Wouldn't Have Made It out of Animals

In her latest affront to Our Lord, yesterday Oprah kicked off her Vegan Challenge, openly flaunting Genesis 1:26-28, where man is given dominion over animals.

Fight back now! Here once again is our recipe for Deep-Fried Ham Balls:

8 oz, ham minced
2 scallions, minced
3 eggs, beaten
4 slices Wonder bread crumbs
2 T. flour
½ cup crumbled bacon
2 tsp. salt
1/4 tsp. dry mustard
Oil for deep-frying
Mix all ingredients. Shape into walnut-size balls. Deep fry until golden brown and serve with cheesy ranch dipping sauce (1 C Cheez Whiz mixed with 1 C Ranch dressing).

Friday, January 21, 2011

More Reader Responses!


hi every person,

I identified after previous months and I'm very excited much to commence participating. I are basically lurking for the last month but figured I would be joining and sign up.

I am from Spain so please forgave my speaking english

Dear Anonymous,

No need to apologize for speaking English--it's God's favorite language!


This post said, "The only source of absolute truth is the King James Bible."

What about all of the translations prior to KJV? What about the Geneva Bible? What about the original Greek, Hebrew, or Aramaic? Are these bunk because they weren't commissioned by King James I (or King James VI of Scotland)?

How about translations to other languages so that other nationalities may understand the Bible? Are they led astray by a translation that's not "the only source of absolute truth"? Is their Word of God not really the Word of God?

Dear Anonymous,

Please see above.


r you high off your trolly???hahaha

Dear Anonymous,

You must have the gift of prophecy! Just this morning we were riding the trolley (really a bus painted to look like a trolley) to our new job at the bookstore. And I must say, the job does give us a natural "high"! As I mentioned before, it only sells very highbrow books, no Harry Potter or Oprah's book club trash; they let you know this before you even walk in the door, as it says "Adult Book Store" in giant letters. How refreshing! And the customers all seem very happy, if a little shy and nervous. And the owner is even a devout Christian--we know, because we noticed that he carried a wide variety of anointing oils. Some even smell like watermelon or chocolate! We are truly blessed to have found this opportunity.


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Dear Anonymous,

Yes, we hear about this often at work. What is it, exactly? Some sort of headache treatment?


so this is an honest question is this whole blog a satire or are you people serious? and you may think, well, you idiot of course its a joke. who would be dumb enough to believe this stuff. but im really high right now. so i cant tell if its joke. please tell me its a joke. NOt that i dont hate oprah. Im actually kind ofin agreement. sheis the anti christ.

Glad to hear that you're also "high" on life, and that you've taken our message to heart! But I must warn you to stay away from satire.


Wow you people have got to be joking...I cannot even begin to say how completely bigoted people like you are. Jesus's message is one of love and compassion. Hence the turn the other cheek line, and mebbe I'm just a brainwashed cultist, but I think this slanderous behavior is in an if itself unchristian. Treat others the way you want to be treated, and you guys obviously don't want to be treated very well...

Dear Anonymous,

Yes, mebbe you are.


Sadly, that's the kind of immature response you can expect to get from secular liberals when you insult their Supreme Goddess. Between you and I, burning her books seems a little extreme, but I agree that taxpayers shouldn't have to shell out for them.

Dear Conservagrrl,

Between you and me, true godly conservatives understand object pronouns. Nice try, but you are obviously some liberal satirist trying to undermine our mission!

出会い :

エロセレブとの出会いを完全無料でご提供します。逆援助で高額報酬をゲットしよう ham balls?

Dear 出会い ,

Yes, I think they would be delicious with wasabi!

¯`'•.¸(¯`'•. ¸*♥♥♥♥*¸.•'´¯)¸.•' ´¯)
♥(¯`'•.¸(¯`'•.¸*♥♥*¸.•'´¯)¸.•' ´¯)♥
♥♥(¯`'•.¸(¯`'•.¸**¸.•'´¯)¸.•'´ ¯)♥♥
~~~~~RESIST SATAN!!!!!~~~~~
(_¸.•'´(_¸.•'´*♥♥♥♥*`'•.¸_)`'• .¸_)
♥(_¸.•'´(_¸.•'´*♥♥*`'•.¸_)`'•. ¸_)♥

And don't forget to find us on Twitter!