Monday, August 4, 2008

Don't Be Miracle-Whipped!

Second Thessalonians 2:8-10 KJV. And then shall that Wicked be revealed, whom the Lord shall consume with the spirit of his mouth, and shall destroy with the brightness of his coming: Even him, whose coming is after the working of Satan with all power and signs and lying wonders, And with all deceivableness of unrighteousness in them that perish; because they received not the love of the truth, that they might be saved.

Hello, faithful friends--

First, our apologies for the long silence. Since last November, we have been engaging in spiritual warfare, putting on the Full Armor of God to battle the forces of Satan. It's been a harrowing ordeal, but we are stronger for it.

Our struggle began at the OprahTruth Ministries barbecue fundraiser, an annual event held each year. This past year, we raised over $34 to go towards cable lockboxes for underprivileged families, so that they can shield their children from Oprah's Big Give. Unfortunately, we also overindulged in spicy-honey-teriyaki-Cap'n Crunch-glazed ribs. It is not our place to question, but we do sometimes wonder why our Lord had to make the pig so tasty.

Soon it was Thanksgiving, bringing with it deep-fried turkey, deep-fried cranberry sauce, and deep-fried Twinkies (or as we call them in our family, Patriot Pies). And of course Christmas, when we celebrate the birth of the King of the Jews with country ham. To make a long story short, by January we found ourselves carrying around cans of Crisco to aid us in getting through doorways. And that is when we found ourselves being lured by the promises of the Evil One:

Our Father, in His wisdom, sometimes allows his followers to be tempted. Even Christ was taunted by Satan as he fasted in the desert for forty days. Our experience was not unlike His, only our Lord still could have looked good in a bathing suit in the midst of His trials. As Oprah's minions paraded around, waving their dsicarded Lane Bryant pantsuits aloft, we found ourselves asking, "Should we maybe buy a copy of The Best Life Diet?"

That's the power of the Antichrist, who tries to sway us with false miracles. But don't be fooled--she is a liar! ("Thyroid problem," my fanny.)

I'm proud to say that we remained strong. We resisted her ploy and instead lost our demon flab through the Gideon Diet. What's that, you ask? It's simple:

Breakfast: One Gideon Bible, toasted. Diet Coke.

Lunch: Gideon Bible sandwich. Diet Coke.

Dinner: Gideon New Testament on a bed of rice. Caffeine-free Diet Coke.

Dr. Phil may not endorse it, but it'll satisfy your spiritual hunger while helping you drop those pounds. For it is written: ...Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that proceedeth out of the mouth of God. Matthew 4:4 KJV


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