Why Burn Books?

OprahTruth Ministries is engaged in a wide variety of mission projects. There's our main mission, which is of course spreading the word about the Antichrist's true identity and what we can do to stop her. There's our current petition to get the Oprah show back on the air, lest we let our guard down. There's our anti-illuminati task force, Fighting to Unify Christ's Kingdom. All of these initiatives raise the ire of secular humanists.

But perhaps our most controversial endeavor, the one that even the Saved sometimes have trouble understanding, is our LibraryTruth project. "Why do you need to remove Oprah's book club books from libraries?" people ask us. "Isn't it enough to simply not read them? Didn't the Nazis burn books? And what's in these delicious ham balls?"

Let me tell you a story. When I was a little girl I was sent to public school. (The only private schools in our area were either Catholic or Montessori--why not just hand you children directly over to Satan? And my parents couldn't home school me, because Daddy worked full time at the dog track, and Mother was always busy with her BeDazzler.) At that public school, all the other little girls were just wild about Judy Blume books. Every day it was all Superfudge this and Blubber that. Like all little girls, I wanted to fit in, and so I went to the library and checked out a hardback copy of Deenie.

Later that afternoon, a little boy named Petie Bradshaw came up to me and made fun of my beautiful BeDazzled denim jumper. So I whacked him in the face with my copy of Deenie, knocking him unconscious. I guess I knocked something loose, because the poor boy was never the same afterward; to this day, he thinks he smells toast all the time. I have since learned that Deenie has been banned from many school libraries over the years, and I can sure see why. It has a very hard cover and sharp edges.

I made it my goal from that day on to protect vulnerable children from the dangers of books, a goal I still embrace today. (And of course this applies only to the kind of demonic trash Oprah promotes, not to weighty, highbrow literature for adults.) And this weekend, when we have our annual OprahTruth book burning/cookout, I'll be praying for poor Petie, praying for the toast smell to go away.

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On a side note, many of you have also asked about how the rise of ebooks will affect the future of book burning. Never fear--where there's God's will, there's a way!